Yaaas King
“A monarch’s neck should always have a noose around it—it keeps him upright.”
― Robert A. Heinlein, The Cat Who Walks Through Walls
One of the earliest history lessons that American children learn is that of the American Revolution against the English monarchy.
The patriotic seed of independence and the social democracy is sown early and deeply, and we are taught that as a people, Americans are the BDSM doms of history, not effete tea drinking British subs.
Americans FUCK, but Americans do not get fucked.
We will roll up a lit firework inside a copy of the Declaration of Independence, wrapped inside of a copy of the Constitution, and stuff that girth of parchment and explosives up the un-lubricated backsides of all non-believers while force-feeding them McDonalds, before we ourselves will ever bend over in the face of tyranny and oppression.
Which is why it’s so perplexing to see a wave of ideological monarchism sweeping through the Federal Government in the form of neoreaction.
The neoreactionary movement (“NRx”) is a political philosophy espoused by Curtis Yarvin (and technologist Nick Land) a writer and long-time soothsayer to many elite politicians like Vice President J.D. Vance, and elite Silicon Valley billionaire investors like Vance’s patron/daddy Peter Thiel.
NRx or the “Dark Enlightenment” as Land calls it, is effectively the belief that democratic institutions have failed and will continue to fail us because our elected representatives are not actually representative of the people, and instead are representative of “the Cathedral,” the insidious true power in the Western democratic world, as made up of progressive media and academic institutions.
The not-so-slightly veiled antisemitism aside given the obvious references to historical tropes about Jews controlling the media and academia, Yarvin, Land and other NRx proponents believe that America should instead be run like a technology start up, with a meritocratically chosen technocrat CEO who rules absolutely under the mandate of the majority of “shareholders” (i.e. the majority of the most interested stakeholders, AKA experts and business leaders with capital), using blockchain technology to ensure truth and objectivity in governance.
Essentially taking the neoliberal dream of Milton Friedman and acolytes like Reagan to a teleological endpoint, proponents of NRx believe that if we are to live in a totally unencumbered capitalist free market - their vision of a utopia - where business and capital rules all, why not have a CEO-king instead of a President?
Since this political ideology is currently running rampant through the organs of the U.S. Federal Government, slicing and dicing social democratic norms at every turn, and also that the supremacy of executive authority in the President is likely to be tested in the Supreme Court in the very near future, I thought it would be fun to look at some of the dopest monarchs in history, and we can collectively decide on what type of monarch we want to run our new business nation.
Please sit back, wet your lips, and pucker up while you contemplate whose feet you want to shower with your adoring royal smooches.
Happy Presidents Day.
Emperor Caligula
wtf:
Roman Empire, 37-41 AD
lol:
Wanted to make his horse Incitatus - who attended dinner parties and wore jewelry - into a senator/consul.
Turned his palace into a whorehouse in order to bankroll his debauched lifestyle.
He declared war on the ocean and marched soldiers all the way to the English channel in order to stab the waves and collect seashells.
why:
Likely engaged in palatial orgies with a horse which would be epic to see in the Rose Garden on Fox News. Might also fight climate change given his seeming aversion to rising tides.
King Charles VI (“Charles the Mad”)
wtf:
France, 1380-1422
lol:
Believed he was made of glass and would shatter if people touched him.
Would often forget he was king and need to be reminded.
Went feral and roamed his castle howling like a dog.
why:
Is this... Joe Biden?
King Charles II (“The Bewitched”)
wtf:
Spain, 1665-1700
lol:
Severely inbred (and final) family member of the Spanish branch of the severely inbred Hapsburg Dynasty lineage.
Due to his many physical and mental ailments, including infertility, his court thought he was cursed, not inbred, hence "Bewitched".
Slept with the mummified remains of his father to cure his bewitched state.
why:
Just imagine that chin giving the State of the Union.
Sultan Ibrahim I (“The Mad Sultan”)
wtf:
Ottoman Empire, 1640-1648
lol:
Ordered his harem of 280 women to be drowned in the Bosporus Straight because he was paranoid they were trying to overthrow him.
Was really into cow udders and tasked his court with finding overweight, voluptuous women for him to add to his harem whose breasts were presumably cow-like enough. His favorite was a woman called "Sugar Cube."
Had a room entirely lined with soft animals furs that he liked to roll around in naked.
why:
Finally some representation of the real America: into being overweight and eating sugar.
King Henry VIII
wtf:
England, 1509-1547
lol:
Had six wives, beheaded two of them, and divorced another by creating a new branch of Christianity to make it legal - The Church of England.
Weighed about 400 pounds and literally ate himself to death on a diet of 5,000+ calories a day.
Allegedly the first English king to be called "Your Majesty".
why:
Really just medieval Trump with fancier clothing so no real change here, just bonus fun outfits.
King Zog
wtf:
Albania, 1922-1939
lol:
Survived over 50 assassination attempts.
Smoked about 200 cigarettes a day.
Stole most if not all of his treasuries gold and took it with him in exile.
why:
Basically a villain from a John Wick movie.
Jiajing Emperor
wtf:
Ming Dynasty, China, 1521-1567
lol:
Drank elixirs of the menstrual blood from teenage virgin maids because he believed it would help him achieve alchemy.
Died of mercury poisoning from one of his own elixirs.
Believed he was a divine Taoist master and tried to rewrite the cosmos itself and extend his life by rearranging astrological and religious symbols.
why:
Using alchemy in the White House sounds only slightly more reasonable than how it's being run now.
Prince Jefri Bolkiah
wtf:
Finance Minister, Brunei, 1986-1997
lol:
Commissioned life-size statues of himself engaged in sex acts.
Embezzled between $15 and $20 billion.
Owned a superyacht called "Tits"
why:
Because it's a shame the U.S. does not have a vulgarly named superyacht already.
King Mswati III
wtf:
Eswatini (formerly Swaziland), 1986 - Present Day
lol:
Ordered all of the women in his country to stop having sex for five years to stop the spread of AIDS.
Christian fundamentalist with 15 wives and 36 children.
Owns 19 Rolls Royces and 120 BMWs while 59% of the Eswatini population live in poverty, and 29% considered to be in extreme poverty.
why:
If he can pull this off in the present day in Africa I don't see why we don't just bring him over here and see what he can do with the bully pulpit.
King Nebuchadnezzar II
wtf:
Babylon, 605 BC - 562 BC
lol:
Built the Hanging Gardens of Babylon to impress his wife.
Went insane for 7 years and lived outside like a wild animal, wandering around eating grass on all fours.
Asked his advisors to interpret a dream that he had forgotten and ordered them killed when they couldn't do it.
why:
Supporter of the arts and public works to benefit women and presumably would be kind to animals since he believed himself to be one.
Erik the Red
wtf:
Norway/Iceland, 950 – 1003
lol:
Banished twice and subsequently founded Greenland in as a spite store.
Refused to go on the original European voyage to America because he fell off his horse before leaving.
Refused to convert to Christianity.
why:
If we are going to own Greenland, why not bring back it's originator?
Idi Amin
wtf:
Uganda, 1971-1979
lol:
Announced that God had visited him in a dream and issued divine instruction to expel Asians: “Asians came to Uganda to build the railway. The railway is finished. They must leave now."
Declared himself the King of Scotland.
Nicknamed "Big Daddy"
why:
Anti-immigration and liked to abstractly and randomly proclaim himself the king of places he does not rule over.
Saparmurat Niyazov (“Turkmenbashi”)
wtf:
Turkmenistan, 1990–2006
lol:
Banned dogs because he didn't like the way they smelled.
Renamed the months and days of the year after himself and his family.
Wrote his own holy book as President-For-Life and had it taught in schools.
why:
At least he's well read?
